Finding my Resting Place in Christ

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Psalm 62:1-2

My soul does not feel very restful. And I do feel quite shaken. I feel like the more I try to pull it together, the more I see how broken I am. I try to be a better mother...yet, not even half way through the day I am yelling at my children, something I said I'd never do. I'm yelling at them because they are yelling and fighting and being disobedient. I try hard to stop and pray. I even try the good old "count to ten" before speaking and I still lose my cool. And I love them and wish I could love them the way Christ loves me. And I want to be Jesus to them...but, the thing is, I am not Him.

I once heard someone say that unconfessed sin can cause great anxiety. That it can put up a wall between you and God. So, I throw my hands in the air daily looking to the sky and shouting (in my head) "God, I have no idea what else to confess to you!! I know I am a terrible sinner and do rotten things all day long that I don't even realize, but can we just move past this and move on to forgiveness...you know, so I can feel that rest you talk about??"

I have a history of thinking God shakes His head in disappointment at me and that He witholds His blessings because I am a loser sinner. This type of thinking will have you in a constant state of despair as you will never be able to recall all your sin...thinking surely God has a lesson in all this for me.

We are to wait patiently on the Lord, yet my heart is growing impatient. I've waited and...well frankly, I'm tired of waiting. I question whether I am praying right...is there a right and wrong way to pray? I do not know. Every time I learn something new through a trial, I expect God to immediately remove my anguish...you know, because I've learned my lesson. Certainly that is the point, right?

So I dwell on this verse today. Mostly I dwell on that word "rest". We have had our house on the market for 15 months and I have 3 young children.  I am mad about the economy. I am mad that we can't start building our new home until we sell this one and lock in on low interest rates. I am mad at the unknown of so many things. I am mad that a little girl we have been praying for is going to die of cancer. I am mad that God did not cure her. Basically I am mad that I have no control and God has all the control.

I'm ridiculous. I know. He knows. He knows I'm good at temporarily surrendering control, but I lose my cool when things take too long. I have patience...until, well, I run out. And I get restless waiting on God. I am sure it has been a nano second to Him, but to me, He takes forever!!

I am learning that the only way I will find rest is when I learn to find joy and contentment while I wait. But how? How does one find happiness in the midst of chaos or sadness or great anxiety?

Finding rest in Christ really means having faith in Him. It means that even though you feel restless, you rest in knowing that God's plan is always better than our own. And I'll admit I don't always believe that. Sometimes I try to tell God what to do because I am a control freak.

Deep down I know I would never want anything that God did not want for me. It's hard to always believe that as we are all self centered by nature. By being self centered, we are basically saying God is not sufficient and/or He doesn't know what He is doing. I often find myself telling God His ways suck...always later to regret those thoughts.  But I still wonder why He makes us wait? If it's not to teach us a lesson, then why?

"Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us"

Ephesians 3:20 (NAS)

He is okay with being misunderstood because He sees how it all ends. He sees how it brings Him glory. He wants us to bring our desires to Him, but we must trust that He can always do something better beyond our comprehension. This is faith.  This is how you have joy...when you remind yourself His plan is GREATER THAN OURS!

It is all about remembering who God is. That He is good. He is good even when we don't understand and don't like what He is dong. But in Him, we will find rest.

Rest in knowing He is God and He is our only hope. Rest in knowing that if we had our own ways, we would screw it all up. Rest in knowing He can do way more than we can imagine for ourselves. And when all that still feels hopeless, rest in knowing that it will all make sense in Eternity.

You were forgiven a long time ago. God is not with holding from you. Let Him be the rock while you wait on Him. Don't give up on Him.