"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"
Phillipians 1:6 (NIV)
Yesterday was my birthday. 32 years...I mentally still feel like I should only be about 25, but a few fine lines around my eyes tell a different story. Staying up late is now midnight and no longer 3am, spanx has become my new best friend, and much of my naivete from my "youth" is gone. Although I am still quite young, I believe your 30's are when you start to realize that you are not going to be here for forever. I am in the season of life where I am watching my friends parents pass away and other friends who find out they have cancer.
It is a bittersweet time in my life. It is such a beautiful life God has given me, but I realize that it could all be taken away in the blink of an eye. Maybe it's because it is my birthday or maybe it's because I can be a tad bit pensive, but I have found myself asking God "why in the heck did He create me? What does He want me for?" By the way, I think being pensive can be a positive thing. For me, it is a moment where I step back from the busyness of life and look to the Father. I stop and dwell on who He is. I stop what I am doing and ponder if I am listening to what God wants from me. You see, I cannot experience the joy He has in store for me when I am too busy trying to figure out how to make myself happy on my own.
But who am I? I surely do not feel anointed in any way. I believe we are all given spiritual gifts, but sometimes I will admit my pride likes to see the fruits of my labor. I like to be able to see the work that God is doing through me...because I believe He is doing something through all of us who accept Him into our hearts. But, I have recently been feeling like God has been pressing on my heart this: "Sarah, I did not create you because of who YOU are, but because of who I am."
It is not about who we are, but who He is. Just dwell on this for a moment.
I honestly don't even know what that means except that He created me therefore He wanted me. And if He loves me, then He would want me to find joy in loving Him. And by finding joy in Him, I will fall deeper in love with Him. And the deeper I fall in love with Him, the more I hope my pride dies and I will see my purpose...which is all about letting His love shine through me. And truly, whether we feel anointed or not, we all are. We all are called to worship.
So my desire for this 32nd year of this life He has given me is to grow more in love, grow more in my desire to worship, and to find joy in His presence. I want to see and feel those divine moments where He is near and I am drawing closer rather than pulling away.
I want to stop fearing those moments that He feels far away. I want His presence to be so known to me that my heart is constantly filled with a joy that only He can provide in my life. I want to want Him! I want to see the beauty in the mundane. I want to stop walking around so blind and see the blessings in my every day life. I want to live His purpose for me. I want to be able to give and express love and encouragement to others that only God can provide by allowing Him to use me.
He loves me and He loves you. And He isn't finished refining me (thank goodness!). Won't it be glorious when we are in Heaven and we can see the finished project?
Refine me God. I don't want to be me...I want only for you to shine through me.
Your favor is my delight.