"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief."
1 Timothy 1:12-13
Guilt. It haunts me. It plagues me. I dwell on past mistakes. I dwell on the fact that I don't believe I will ever be a "good and faithful servant."
I hear filth leave my lips. I watch myself fall in to the trap of gossip. I hate it. I hate me...I hate my flesh. I hate that I feel like I will never reach enough holiness. Will I ever be a truly great example for Christ? It is my greatest desire...yet, sin often overcomes me...sometimes unknowingly, sometimes with premeditation. Sin grieves my soul...why do I fight my flesh so much when I want so desperately to be like the Christian women I admire?
I proclaim the Bible to be truth, yet I wrestle with scripture. Sometimes I read and it just doesn't taste good and I feel like God is demanding too much...expectations that no one can truly live up to.
I hate my flesh.
I love when I find rest in Christ. Why can I not feel that way all the time?
Because I still believe I am guilty. Because I still believe I need to polish off my filth to even approach Him in prayer. Because I feel like I must be blameless before Him.
Because I completely forget that I am no longer guilty. And that He has made me righteous. I forget that I cannot right myself. I forget that God does not make garbage. He doesn't wish He never made me. He knew my sin before I was ever created. I forget that "I'm HIS girl" and He cherishes me. I forget that He is refining me and He is in charge of bringing about holiness.
That even though I am plagued with sin and guilt, that I am no longer guilty because I have been saved. And all He wants from me is to allow Him to continue molding and shaping me. He WANTS me. He wants me to experience all of Him. He wants me to stop feeling guilty...because He does not see me that way anymore. I am forgiven.
It is the joy of salvation, that you are still full of sin, yet you are forgiven. His mercy has left me no longer guilty.
http://www.elevationchurch.org/sermons/christalone/part1
ReplyDeleteThis is a sermon (the whole series even) that changed all this for me. I have felt the way you felt. It is easy to fall into that line of thought.
"Because I still believe I need to polish off my filth to even approach Him in prayer." Oh... how I have thought this time and time again. When, in actuality, this is an enemy tactic to ensure the mirage of the barrier between you and God be bigger and wider--when really it doesn't exist.
Many blessings to you!! (((hugs)))